He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
