There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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