Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
