Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
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