Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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