i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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