Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet