just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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