I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
