And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
