whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Never joke about your clitoris.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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