So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
