i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
These tits shall not be calmed
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
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