I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
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