i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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