Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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