My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
