The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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