Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
