I'm so fucking centered right now
Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
