If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
