K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
