I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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