watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
