I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
