Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
