My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Randomize
