well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
