I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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