Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
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will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
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She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.