ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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