worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.