I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
