Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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