i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Randomize
