i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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