So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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