I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I am full of burrito and curiosity
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
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