TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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