i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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