he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
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the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
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I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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