so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
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I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
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do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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