You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
