So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
