I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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