i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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