Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
