I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Come see our sink grown plant.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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