I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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