I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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