A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
