The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
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She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
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I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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