Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
