I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
